How to Ruin a Good Bondage Session

I've been asking almost everyone I meet on line to write me a few paragraphs describing a memorable bondage experience. That's pretty much how Bound & Gagged got started, with people writing me descriptions of their first, best, worst and most memorable experiences, basically as responses to essay questions on a questionnaire I sent them when they applied for membership in the New York Bondage Club, which I'd founded back in 1984. At the time I also took advantage of bondage correspondences I myself and friends of mine had had with potential bondage partners and with bondage partners who'd moved away yet with whom we'd stayed friends (for those of you not old enough to remember, be advised that Bound & Gagged was born in that prehistoric time when people wrote what used to be called letters to each other).

 

When the internet came along and everyone and his brother started getting his own website, guys stopped writing me as frequently as in the past; they wrote up their experiences for their own websites, I guess, even though only their friends may have read them. That said, I get the impression that there are fewer such personal websites around today, and that, since facebook—which I don't really know much about—doesn't seem to be very bondage friendly—most guys are preferring to settle for writing descriptive profiles and putting up their favorite bondage pics on places like Recon and GearFetish, the latter of which I've now joined but have not yet spent time learning to navigate. All of which is to say that stories about lots of great bondage experiences have been going missing, and, as guys all over the place have been running to tell me, there's a big gap there for a relaunched Bound & Gagged to fill.

 

I've been asking, and guys have been sending, and that's great, since before we can seriously consider relaunching, we need enough content to ensure our existence for at least a year, content being stories. So before I go any further, if you're wondering if YOU should write me and tell me about YOUR experience(s), the answer is: "What do you think, you dope, of course you should, right away!"

 

Not only have guys been sending me stories; they've also been sharing their thoughts, opinions and suggestions, one of which I'll share with you today. The writer titled his piece, "How to Ruin a Good Bondage Session." Here's the bulk of it, and I hope it will inspire lots of comments.

 

"In these days it can be difficult to find someone who is for real and wants to play. I find more and more flakes out there in computerland on the various sites including Recon. They'll waste your time with endless email and untoward fantasies.  But once in a while you can find someone who is for real and willing to either top or bottom. In my case I prefer either versatile or a top. I am versatile but depending on my mood and the chemistry will often make a decision prior to meeting someone. I have always felt that simple and basic courtesy is a key part of all of this. If, for some reason, I have to cancel I will preferably call or email well enough in advance and try to set a second time agreeable to myself and the other party.

 

"In this instance, however, the original meet was cancelled due to problems with the other person. He was kind enough though to notify me both in email and on the phone. I will not mention who that person was nor where he lives as he is somewhat known within the community and is really a nice guy. I was at his place for a day and a half with at least 65 to 70 percent of the time in some form of restraint ranging from light for the night to some very heavy but enjoyable situations. We played in a spare bedroom down a hallway from his master bedroom and also in his bedroom itself."

 

Here's the ruin part:

 

"When I was in his bedroom most of the time he was pre-occupied with either chatting with various people on the internet, texting on his phone or talking on the phone. In other words he was not all that much focused on me. In retrospect when I was in that other room I have to wonder what might have happened if I'd needed him and he was pre-occupied with the above activities? Moreover the texting even went on when we went out to a local choke and puke for lunch. (Bonanza, if you must know). Sorry, but I was brought up that when I am with someone I only answer my Blackberry after excusing myself and, for that matter, if it is an 'unknown' caller it remains that way. He was pre-occupied with very young but hopefully legal guys bugging him about wanting to do a 'kidnap' scene at his place. Never mind the fact that these 'boys' were, in one instance, from a small town in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin where the bear population is probably higher than the human population. The chances in the real world of either of these 'boys' meeting this top would most likely be slim to not happening at all.

 

"When I do top at my place I am either in the same room or in my office which is next to the bedroom where the bottom is nicely bound. In either case there are pre-arranged safety signals up to and including humming a song since grunts can often be misunderstood. As anyone knows, when there is an issue, time is extremely important. Seconds count. I can make it from my desk in my office to the bedroom in three seconds. I do not have headphones on listening to music and I do not focus on texting or talking to someone on the phone to the point where I totally lose my ability to know what is going on. Moreover I will usually check on a regular basis like every 15 minutes if need be depending on the bondage situation and expect the same if I am the bottom. That also gives the top a chance to check circulation, ropes and perhaps add or remove some things. There is also the simple courtesy that you have a guest and regardless of whether he is bound or not that is your focus. It is just damn rude to do anything else on a consistent basis."

 

Okay, guys, what do you think of tops texting or phoning and paying no attention to you when they've got you tied up and gagged? Click here and tell me. You can also click here to tell me about one of your most memorable bondage experiences. I'm waiting.

Comments

[Bob Ryan]

I agree there’s a lot of rudeness around, people texting or talking on the phone and not paying attention to the world around them. That seems very dangerous when you’re doing bondage scenes where the guy tied up and gagged may need your attention right away.

[daddy]

Nothing is so rude as to text and IM when you are doing a scene, especially when safety could be an issue. that is one top who needs to bottom a bit and learn some manners.

[PA Boy]

I have a feeling that the bottom line here is that the top just wasn't that "in" to the bottom.

Though it's true that his texting and directing his attentions elsewhere were kind of rude, the bottom would probably have been equally hurt if the top had just let him go, telling the bottom it wasn't working.

Rejection in any form is not easy. Yet, when we're dealing in terms of sex and desire, the possibility for rejection is always there.

In the case of this bottom, I would recommend that in the future, when he's negotiating with a top, he should include his desire not to be left alone or ignored. In addition, he can also provide an "out" for both top and bottom by allowing the option to say "this isn't working for me."

[Karl Yukon]

A friend of mine who I play with from time to time offered this suggestion for keeping track of the bottom. He uses a wireless doorbell. The bottom has the button and if there are any issues he only needs to press the button and the doorbell will ring. My friend got that idea from another player. While this may not resolve the multi-tasking issue it certainly will make any responsible top aware that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. I suppose there could also be a code: 2 rings would be a problem; 3 rings would be the same as "code red". I hope this makes sense.